Respect

Sometimes I get the feeling that my lack of maturity catches up with me. Especially when I look back at my development phases for the last week or so and I realize that probably most people go through these 'revelations' in high school, but hey, at least I'm waking up now instead of later. Or never.

I've realized a lot of things. Sadly, most of it was through my work place habits, but oh well. First of all, I've learned I'm a bit dramatic. I usually despise people who make things out to be a bigger deal than they actually are, but I do that. Way too often. And it's rather irritating when you can't even stand to hear yourself talk. I believe it's because I live a boring life where I don't try new things or step out of the ordinary and also because I am an overall, un-creative person. So what do I have left in terms of social tools? Amplifying things and making them a bigger deal to seem like life is more interesting. When really, I'm a drama queen. Sick.

I'm stubborn. I hate it because I like to think I'm open minded but I'm stubborn as a mule and I wish I were not.

I really can't handle new challenges. This is part of me being stubborn but I can't handle challenges that I think are beyond my reach. For example: becoming a shift manager at Jamba Juice. Whether or not the personality changes necessary for me to become an ideal manager were possible or not, it challenged me to my very core and instead of rising to meet the challenged, I take the meek, the low road, the easy path.

On friendship. I am one of the worst friends a person could have. I'm not the most reliable, I'm bad at picking up my phone, I'm never really there for people. I have lots of accusations as to why this is the case. Why I'm so socially inept at making friends or being a good friend. When in actuality, I really have only myself to blame.

Recently, I came up with the idiotic idea of trying and patch things up with Sam, one of my best friends in high school and my ex girlfriend. I had hoped, that maybe through Sam, I could prove to myself that I had matured since high school and that somehow I was a better person. And more of an underlying reason, I thought that maybe I could get my old best friend back.

But I have made a realization. People change. The old me is dead and gone, the friendship I had with Sam died years ago and it is madness to even think of trying to bring it back from the dead. I guess in my defense, it was a mad and desperate grasp to recover a friendship I guess I still miss.

I won't be ashamed of my lamentation for my past, but I think from now on it won't affect me so much. Or distract me from the now and what great friendships I have. To me, friendship is one of the most important things ever. To be my friend I think is relatively easy. A person just has to amuse me.

But respect. Respect goes a long way and there are very few people I have respect for. Often times, I choose not to respect a person for what they have or haven't done, but their motives behind it. Why? Because honor is not something that can be taught, bought, stolen, scammed, faked, or made. It is an integral part of a person's characteristic that they have or they do not. And often times it takes years of hardship, empathy and experience to beat and engrave honor into someone's character.