People.

I have an interesting story I’d like to share. I was coming back from work yesterday and I was tired and pretty irritated at people in general. Yeah, I get pretty anti-social after working at Jamba Juice because customer service kinda drags my whole tolerance level down. Anyways, I was up near 45^th and I was about to cross the street when some random guy smiled and waved. Now the first thing that goes through my head is panic, because I have a terrible memory and with my sporadic drinking episodes I tend to forget faces and names. So I go through about 5 seconds of a horrible, awful sinking sensation that I’ve met him before. Yet as hard as I try to remember, I’m pretty sure I never met him before. The second thing that crossed my mind is how in awe I was on how normal he looked. I mean going to UW, people wave at you all the time, yet they have kind of an eccentric look to them. Yet he was nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, if he didn’t wave, I’m pretty sure I would have walked right by him with a grim expression of “I’m tired don’t fuck with me” type of mentality.

My point. Since I’ve started working at Jamba Juice, which was two months ago, I’ve met a lot of new people. In fact, it wasn’t just Jamba Juice, but this year in general. More specifically, my roommate Dana, who I met through Facebook ads. And what’s weird is how closely I’ve gotten to know so many people over such a short period of time. I mean, there are certain aspects of my life, I’m sure, that many of the new people I’ve met don’t actually know about, but it’s increasingly shrinking.

And let’s face it. For the majority of people who know me, I think I strike as being closed off. And that’s just what I thought was part of my personality. Yet it’s interesting to me how easily people are actually willing to be friendly with one another. You think, walking around UW campus that most people are just narrow mindedly focused on getting from point A to point B. But it’s crazy. If you stop, and I mean really stop, you’ll see how generally, other people like to meet other people. Just like at Jamba Juice, or the awkward crosswalk story.

It might be because I’m stuck in a perpetual cycle of making sure I don’t piss anyone off and how worried I am about what other people think, but to me, this blew my mind. You can call me a pussy I don’t care, but it's crazy. People really do just like meeting each other and being friendly. S0 wave to a stranger. Meet a new person. Who knows it could be your new best friend.

Every New Day.

When I was young, the smallest trick of light,
Could catch my eye,
Then life was new and every new day,
I thought that I could fly.
I believed in what I hoped for,
And I hoped for things unseen,
I had wings and dreams could soar,
I just don't feel like flying anymore.
When the stars threw down their spears,
Watered Heaven with their tears,
Before words were spoken,
Before eternity.

Dear Father, I need you,
Your strength my heart to mend.
I want to fly higher,
Every new day again.

When I was small, the furthest I could reach,
Was not so high,
Then I thought the world was so much smaller,
Feeling that I could fly.
Through distant deeps and skies,
Behind infinity,
Below the face of Heaven,
He stoops to create me.

Dear Father, I need you,
Your strength my heart to mend.
I want to fly higher,
Every new day again. 

Goodbye.

I'm actually really not that good with dealing with my emotions I've realized. I think that's interesting because most people seem to think that I'm personable. For as honest as I claim to be with my feelings, I actually cover up a lot of how I really feel as to not get hurt. That's why sarcasm is AMAZING.

Even then, I can't really be honest with myself. It's sad. But there's one thing I know for sure and that I hate saying goodbye. There's something so final about it, admitting that it's the end. And it's kind of depressing because it seems like there's no hope for the future.

When I say goodbye, to me it means, thanks for everything. Exit life stage left. And I don't really know if I handle it too well. That's why I'll either distance myself or just write emo crap like this.

So I just act like a little kid and spend my time wishing for the impossible.

Balance.

In life, everything is about balance. Balance between school and work. Balance between family and friends. Balance between studying and playing. It's hard to find balance, like sitting on those exercise balls cross legged.

Especially time. Looking too far ahead, you lose track of the now. And looking too far back, you end up living in the past, same mistakes over and over again.

I want to find balance (and I sincerely hope I can achieve that without religious aid) and I hope that those around me find balance as well. Especially since I know life can throw you off balance at any time.

Justice is balance. Peace and tranquility is balance. Life needs more balance.

My Enemy.

I am my own worst enemy.

I got into a fight with my parents yesterday and it was probably one of the most intense fights I have had with them so far.

Looking back at it, I realize I'm still a child and I still have a long ways to go.

In a sense, I feel misunderstood, but I complain about something that seems so mundane that I can't grasp the bigger picture. And I struggle. I really do, to grasp it but it slips through my fingers each time I reach for it.

Nothing is worse, than being preached there are those who love you. But when you scream and scream and scream and you realize no one is there. But if they're there, they're above out of sight out of mind.

It's interesting, my mom and I are actually more alike then I think either one of us care to admit. She's full of pride, always needing to be the ultimate authority on things, one of the most closed minded people I will ever meet who thinks of herself as open minded. But what can I say, I'm most of those things too.

I think I've lost what it means to truly love. I like to bandy words about like caring, but in terms of love? I don't know it seems so lost to me that I seem so callous to those around me. So impersonal and cold. I can't make myself love, but I'm not trying either.

So I sit and I wonder.

Change.

Barack Obama, if he becomes President of the United States, will bring change.

And it's not even just the policies he preaches or even the speeches that he gives. His mere presence has already improved general foreign opinion of the United States. Which is something the United States needs right now. Change. Especially after having their reputation torn to shreds because of the Bush administration.

And it's not because of band-wagoning on George Bush and his occasional speech errors. But his policies, especially dealing with Iraq, have been especially destructive because it discredits the United States and instills fear into the world because of the United State's disregard for the United Nations, her allies, or just the world in general.

But it's important for the American people not to simply jump on the most popular figurehead because as it's been proven before, that leads to error. Remember, after 9/11 the whole United States as a people rose up and demanded for the invasion of Iraq without really understanding what was going on. So again, understand. If you know what Obama stands for, awesome. If not, open a newspaper.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/05/world/05react.html?ref=world

Acceptance.

People try, so hard to be accepted by society.
Probably because most people are afraid of being alone, which in truth, is pretty scary.
But in truth, acceptance in itself can be dangerous.

How will people view me? How can I best portray who I am to the world? Or not. Because of judgment. Because of fear. Wanting to hide, run, shy away from the world, or jump naked before the eyes of millions in a breathless, thoughtless action of hope.

Or even worse, trying to stand out when countless others stand up as well, in a never-ending race to achieve 'unique'.

And then you stop. And ask why did I start this race? This side-marathon. Youtube is ultimate proof of this. Outdoing one another. Doing more and more crazy things. All for acceptance.

Everyone has low self esteems, I think. We cannot choose to accept ourselves, so we look for others to accept us. Supernatural beings even, such as religion. Anything, anyone, imaginary or not to accept and love us for who we are no matter what we do.

And acceptance, well. Is it so bad?